During my short visit to Ontario a couple of weeks ago I was asked a particular question multiple times; "So are things in Philly going as good as you say in your writing?" As I thought about my answer to that question, I realized that there are really two parts to it. On the one hand things are going as well as I say. The kids have stolen a piece of my heart, and my favourite part of the week is getting to spend time with them and interact with them (even if they do make me exhausted). The church has been extremely welcoming to me during my time here. I have been inspired by their enthusiasm and grace.
Yet, as with any ministry experience there are disappointments. When I first was talking with Mama Morton about the possibility of moving down here, one of my requests was that this would be more than just a 3 month program where I give up my time and come here to pour into the children's lives. I wanted assurance that the program would continue after I left. The Morton's felt that this would not be an issue, and that I would be starting something that they were planning on continuing to run. After being here for almost three months, I have had to face the fact that this is probably not going to happen. That this project that I have devoted my time to will probably end the moment I leave. This has been a very real disappointment for me, and has in some ways deflated the wind from my sails.
This concern was only highlighted when I was in Ontario; the children's program on Saturday was cancelled due to the holiday; however, I was told that they would have someone to teach the Sunday school class Sunday morning. When I returned I was informed that they were unable to find someone to do that, which just reinforced that it is unlikely that any of the programs I have started will continue.
I say all this to be honest about my struggles here. Sometimes I feel that I have been put on a pedestal because I made a decision to give up three months of my life and give to others. I have realized that you can do a lot of good things with your life, but have the wrong motives thus missing the point entirely. My purpose for this trip was to make a difference in people's lives. God's purpose for this trip I think was to make changes in my own life. This entire process has been God continually pointing out things in my life that need to be changed; attitudes, thoughts, and actions.
So as much as I have been discouraged recently with the fact that what I am doing here may never be continued, I have to remind myself that God is so much bigger then what I can see. I have no idea what seeds have been planted, or what His plan is. I just know that this experience has humbled me into realizing how inadequate and self-centered I really am; and I hope I don't forget that lesson any time soon.
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